Babysteps

     "Lord will you break my heart for what breaks yours?" I don’t know if you have ever prayed this prayer before but it is both a foolish and beautiful thing...because he will break you.  Usually over something you had never thought of, or even known about before. I have prayed this prayer before and it is the reason that I am where I am today. I was thirteen years old and God broke my heart for people who were hurting, so I decided I would go out and help them. Hence nursing school...but I had no idea what path God had in store for me seven years down the road when I went to India. I have experienced brokenness in many different ways, but I had never physically felt pain like I did when I came face to face with real women with real hearts who had been prostituting themselves to feed their family. Talk about ouch. It was both incredible and heart wrenching to meet women my age that had been living a lifestyle of worthlessness and helplessness. It sure makes the pain in my life look like allot easier. I will never forget those faces, or what I felt because it was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

          So here I am at this school, school of social justice, learning about how much more pain and brokenness is actually in this world and how deep and deadly it goes. Lemme just tell you I had no idea how scary it is.  I am not sure if I have a heart left after everything we've been exposed to and seen, but I also have a deeper understanding of why we need Jesus so very much! I can’t imagine dealing with these issues, and going into this "field of work" with out the hope that Jesus heals, and saves and redeems, I have no idea how people do it. I haven't even started doing anything major yet and I am struggling with hopelessness every day. How can you not when you come face to face with the ugly secrets of the world. So basically what I’m trying to say is that I am so grateful that I don’t have to be the one to heal people because that would be impossible. I am so glad that I don’t have to do anything except whatever baby step God gives me next. I am so glad that no matter how deep it gets or how ugly it is He will always carry the burden, and I can still have joy. That in itself is a miracle, and I hope that anyone who is working in this field will somehow find the joy, hope, and promises that I have found. Thank you Lord that you give us passion for things that are unexpected and so very beautiful, and you stand with us hand leading and guiding step by step through it all!

I give you my life...

What is does it mean to give your life to God? What does it mean to live for God? I have been challenged a lot with these questions. A few years ago there was a shooting here at the Arvada YWAM base, and two people died. Tiffany and Phil. Before the shooting happened the base gathered for a regular worship meeting and they Phil and Tiffany along with other young YWAMers that they would step out and give their lives to the Lord... I don't think that any of them knew what was going to happen a week later, but I think they all know what they were giving God permission to do. They were ready to give it all. I feel like this phrase is thrown around a lot in Christian circles without people even knowing what it means. To give your life for the sake of the gospel…to become a martyr. I remember when I was little hearing about the shooting at columbine high school and how Cassie Burnell stood up and was killed for saying she believed in Jesus. Even at a young age I was inspired and terrified all at the same time. It was amazing to me that someone could believe in and love something so much they were willing to die for it. Then the shootings happened here at YWAM Denver in Arvada and the shooter continued to new life church where Rachel and her sister were killed in the parking lot simply because they were there. There is a very powerful web-a-sode about the shooting in Denver if you go to www.jesusfreaksmovie.com if you want to check it out.  I think about these people and I can’t help but ask myself would I do the same thing, am I willing to truly give my life for the gospel? What would I do if I was put in either of these positions?

     John Murphy went to a conference in LA last weekend where prayer warriors from IHOP and the young disciples from YWAM came together and decided to teach each other. Lauren Cunningham and many other amazing men of the faith were there telling stories about people who have given their all and gone out, knowing they will die, to show people Jesus, to give people hope and a future. 

         There was a group of twelve Korean’s who went to Pakistan to tell people about Jesus. They were captured and immediately one of them was shot and killed. The men who killed them told them that the next day they would be back and they were going to kill another and then let them go. That night the surviving eleven people argued, but not what we would initially think about. They were arguing about which one of them would get to die for his Jesus. They finally agreed to let this young guy do it. The next day he stood up and was shot six times and killed. What would make a person willing to lay down his life like that?!? Another story was about a group of young missionaries who literally packed their stuff in wooden coffins before they left because they knew that they were going to die…but they went anyways. Two young guys who literally sold themselves into slavery to reach out to slaves trapped in bondage. People who run into cholera and TB quarantined cities to help the sick, people who move into war zones hearing bombes go off every day, a woman who runs an orphanage in Sudan who literally gets raped by the soldiers every week, but refuses to leave because of the children. People who risk their lives traveling underground to distribute bibles they translated to the Taliban and into North Korea. There are so many stories of radical people doing radical things, truly giving their LIVES, their safety, there comfort, getting tortured and murdered to tell people about the Jesus they have met.  I don’t know about you but this challenges me to the max.  In my heart I crave adventure, for purpose, to be a part of something bigger then myself, to make an impact in this world in my generation, but how far am I willing to go with that? How much am I willing to sacrifice for the Jesus who gave his life for me, and restored my joy? In no way is this meant to be condemning. I firmly believe that God’s love for us never changes, no matter what we do or do not do. This is not a question of earning God’s love or feeling guilty, it is a question of love on our part. How much do we love him back, how far are we willing to go for him, for others? With this we also have to ask ourselves would I live for Jesus. Would I give my life in the sense of where I live, where I work, who I marry. I think that is a huge part of it to.  What if God didn’t ask me to give my physical life for him, what if he calls me to a place that I’m scared of? To initiate a friendship that would be so difficult? To work in a place that seems hopeless, and lifeless. What if he calls me to move back to Gunnison and work in McDonalds for the rest of my life, would I go? There is nothing wrong with McDonalds or Gunnison, but it would be a sacrifice for me to live that life. Am I willing? Just a thought...

There is hope!!

Steve Goode- Mercy Ministry

  Man this week was so inspiring and full of hope which is so refreshing! I read a quote in a book called The Sacred Romance that said “A person losing hope is the equivalent of the human heart stopping pumping blood”! How profound, and so true! When I lose hope in something my immediate response to it is to just numb it out. Numb out what I can’t change because that’s better than feeling helpless, or hopeless. When we continually numb things out my spirit and voice inside of me are silenced and slowly start to shrivel up a dye like a baby’s umbilical chord after its cut. Sometimes in the midst of pain and great suffering all we have left to cling to is hope. I had been losing hope these last few weeks, and how could I not when we are surrounded by death, rape, starvation, slavery, poverty, brokenness, and despair. When our problems and the problems of the world are so freaking big that they block out the light and all we see is darkness. How do we find hope?? How do we not just hide in the fetal position under out beds and shudder and cry until it all goes away? This is what I had been asking God and this is the answer I got. God is bigger than…that’s it; God is bigger than…He is bigger than anything we will ever face in this world. God is bigger then_____. What is in your blank? For me it was the things we have come face to face with in this school. God is bigger than poverty, God is bigger than broken families, God is bigger than human trafficking, God is bigger than starving children…I could go on and on. There is so much pain in this world, yes, but we have God on our side, and you know what? We win…that’s it, we win. So what is the hopelessness you are feeling right now in your life situations, what is it caused by? Isn’t God bigger than the world? Didn’t he tell us not to fear because he has overcome the world? The lie that there is no hope has been exposed and may God bless us with the foolishness to know we can impact this world, this generation, and this country just by following in his footsteps. We are children of the living God who has a passion for justice and a passion for the broken hearted, the hurting, and helpless. We are living in an incredible day and age because people are starting to fight, to speak out for those who have no voice. We can join with them! We need to unite on all these issue and work together to abolish injustice.

      Maybe this idea is super naive and yes it is a giant of an issue all around the world, but God uses the foolish to confound the wise, and like I said earlier may God bless us with the foolishness to know we can bring an end to this issue. If your dreams don’t scare you they are not big enough… so I would like you to ask yourself what is in your hand? David had a slingshot and some stones to defeat his giant. What gifts, talents, passions do you have that you can give back to God and say “okay this is what I have Papa, use me”.  Writing, art, speaking, dancing, teaching, crocheting, knitting, driving, laughing, or music it can all be used to help. Never underestimate the power of a willing heart… We can and will be the change.

What is Justice??

Our next speaker was Charles Cobb and man did he shake things up. His topic was justice and everyone in my school was challenged. We are in a school of social justice, and yet I know less about what justice truly is then I did when I started this school.  Here we go…

         What is Justice? No really what is justice…the world has twisted and distorted justice so much in my brain that I thought true justice was the same as revenge. Is that what you think? From what I’ve seen in the word I believe that true justice in God’s eyes would look like every person being reconciled to him. That they would be set free from their shame and guilt, and experience an incredibly exciting and fulfilling life with him. Looking at the world now I see a lot of death and pain and…injustice. That is why I’m at this school, to help the orphan and the widow, to love on the poor and bring God’s hope! My hearts cry is to bring justice to the injustices of this world, why? Because God’s heart is ripping apart every second of every day because his  children are starving, thirsty, dying, being raped, being murdered and so much more, and he has asked me to do something about it. We point the finger at God and say “If you love us so much why are you letting this happen!” and he is looking back into our eyes saying gently “why have You (humans) let this happen?” wow. That’s not to condemn us or to heap guilt on our heads, if you feel that then get rid of it because God is not a God of guilt shame or condemnation. He convicts not condemns.  I could talk about that for years, but the point of this entry is justice.

       Okay so we are called to bring justice, we are called to go. This is my dilemma I hope you can follow my mind vomit. In my brain I have never been truly “justified” for the sin that I chose to walk in. If I were to actually pay the consequence for my sins I would be in hell right now. I’m not talking about consequences, because we all have experienced consequences, we know what cause and affect are. I’m talking about actual payment for the things I’ve done. Because God has given me so much grace and continues to give me grace for all my huge mistakes, I will never have to pay the full consequences for my sins. Jesus did that for me. I truly believe that this is God’s justice but it is not justice in the world’s eyes. So continuing on with this idea since (from the world’s perspective) we have never been justified how do we know how to bring justice to anyone? How can we say “hey your mistakes and sins are greater than mine and you have to be punished to the fullest” when we ourselves have never paid to the fullest? How do we enforce justice and still incorporate God’s grace? Can we do that, is it even possible? Is that even a part of our role as followers of Christ?

      How can we walk out or even talk about something we don’t understand or know how to walk out it? Isn’t that what “Christians” have been doing lately, and isn’t that the very thing that people HATE about Christianity. Hypocrisy?  Do you remember who Jesus was always picking on and calling out…the religious people the Pharisees who were preaching but not walking out? Are we only supposed to help people bring reconciliation in their lives because we ourselves have been reconciled?  Don’t get me wrong I do believe we, as a society, need laws in place and we do need to enforce them to protect people. I do believe that people need to be held accountable and punished for the crimes they have committed; otherwise we are not loving them. Love is a verb not a noun. However this is a huge gray area to me now and I don’t know where the truth is! If you look at God and how he judged people in the Bible he is completely inconsistent. Some people he strikes with a lightning bolt and some he lets off the hook. So how are we supposed to build any kind of system based on how God judges when we have no idea how he does it? Can we!? Only God knows someone’s heart and only God know what punishment will suffice for every individual. Obviously our prison systems aren’t working because most people who go end up returning. Is that because the same punishment is not effective for every individual? I think so…so what do we do? I have no idea…these are all questions that a simple question Mr. Cobb asked us inspired. What is justice? I am in the process of asking God what it is right what is truth and what I can do right now and I challenge you to ask him as well. As disciples of Jesus we need to know what justice is and how to practically live it out. Is it something that we will ever understand? Is it something that we are called to seek out? Or is reconciliation what we as “little Christ’s” supposed to seek out. I do believ that reconciliation is a beautiful and pretty painful part of justice. How is a practical way we walk that out? I don’t know yet but I know that God will show us the answers we need. He’s pretty awesome like that.  It is amazing what one little question can do. My whole foundation is being shaken and it’s awesome because God is rebuilding it on his truth which is a rock that I can stand on!