The Dilemmas of Injustice...

      These past two weeks have been a crazy whirlwind of adventures and fun. Thanksgiving week we had the privilege of Stephen Bauman, the president of Relief International, come and speak at our school. We only had him for three days because of turkey day so we doubled up on class time Monday-Wednesday. It was amazing to see how humble this man was after all that he has accomplished and the place he’s at now. He spoke about urbanization and community development and how important it is to learn how to help people not enable them in their poverty. It sounds so simple but it is so difficult to know how to really help someone. My mind was blown by how something that seems great could actually devastate and make the problem worse, like putting a Band-Aid over it instead of getting to the root of the infection and scraping it out, so to speak. For example say there was a village in Africa that was starving, our first reaction is to send food, or send money. This would be the Band-Aid. If we sent trucks of food over it would be great, but it would also put the widow with three children who sells fruit out of business, in turn forcing her to take handouts. Did you know that Africa is one of the wealthiest countries as far as natural resources go, but they are not equipped to use them? I had no idea because Africa is usually used in the commercials for feed the children, or World Vision. I just assumed that they had no option but starvation and poverty, but they do. Another example is going to Mexico to build houses for families. Great idea right? Maybe not, if we go and build a house for a family it could imply to the husband that he is incapable of providing for his family, and result in him leaving. That seems extreme but it could happen. So maybe instead of building the house ourselves, we need to include the family, and have them contribute as well. This would also give the family a sense of ownership instead of just taking handouts. Yet again a problem that is more complicate then it seems. Community development would be sending workers over, not to do the job for them, but to teach and show the people how to use the resources themselves so they can become self sufficient. This applies to all areas of communities, water and sanitation, food, shelter, health care, AIDS, you name it. It blows my mind how long I have been thinking with the mindset of a Band-Aid instead of helping to have no more wounds. I am not at all saying that building houses, or sending food or money is bad. I think it’s awesome, but we do need to be conscious of how we are “helping” so we’re not making a bigger problem than is already there.  This week went along really well with what Troy Sherman was teaching us. There are so many issues in this world that aren't problems or issues they are dilemmas. Like abortion, gay marriage,immigration and so much more. Allot of political stuff that is so controversial, especially in the church community. I've been struggling with how to vote and how to choose where I stand on the really hard issues like these? How do I love people the way Jesus did and still not condone things that will hurt our society or people?? For example the Bible says that murder is wrong, black and white, however if we vote to make abortion illegal then there will be more children who will grow up in fatherless homes which ,statistics prove, increases the crime rate creating more people who get stuck in our the messed up prison system or will contribute to injustice. On the flip side if we vote to legalize abortion will people understand the gravity of the decision they are making, are we promoting murder in our society, how many hurting women will be out there with no help, and what if we condone the killing of the next generation, will there be anyone left? I am not saying abortion is okay, what I am saying is that instead of saying something is wrong or right we need to train our minds to think about the dilemma as a whole, and what all the ramifications would result with the decision. In my opinion anything issue that can be answered with a simply black and white answer is foolishness and naivety. Hopefully that came across the way I wanted it to. I do think that we need to have opinions and know what we stand for and why, but we HAVE to be very careful and make sure we are thinking about every angle of the issue.

         This school has opened my eyes so much to see what the problems out there really look like, and how I need to prepare myself if I want to work in areas of injustice. I naively thought that all these problems could be fixed in a simply way, but what I’m discovering is that if I want to make a difference, and truly help people  it is going to take a lot of time, and I will have to sacrifice a lot. After the things I’ve learned about and seen it seems impossible to go back to the life I was living before, so it looks like I’m going to dive in head first and pray that God will give me the wisdom and strength to do what I need to do. Whether that is going back to school, moving to a different country, doing an internship, or continuing on with YWAM I have no idea, but I know that if I rely on Jesus to guide my steps I can, we all can make a difference. It may not be pretty, and it will probably be painful but we will NEVER be alone if we trust and rely in him. He is the rock we stand on when everything around us is sinking, and he will never leave us or forsake us no matter what we face!

Babysteps

     "Lord will you break my heart for what breaks yours?" I don’t know if you have ever prayed this prayer before but it is both a foolish and beautiful thing...because he will break you.  Usually over something you had never thought of, or even known about before. I have prayed this prayer before and it is the reason that I am where I am today. I was thirteen years old and God broke my heart for people who were hurting, so I decided I would go out and help them. Hence nursing school...but I had no idea what path God had in store for me seven years down the road when I went to India. I have experienced brokenness in many different ways, but I had never physically felt pain like I did when I came face to face with real women with real hearts who had been prostituting themselves to feed their family. Talk about ouch. It was both incredible and heart wrenching to meet women my age that had been living a lifestyle of worthlessness and helplessness. It sure makes the pain in my life look like allot easier. I will never forget those faces, or what I felt because it was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

          So here I am at this school, school of social justice, learning about how much more pain and brokenness is actually in this world and how deep and deadly it goes. Lemme just tell you I had no idea how scary it is.  I am not sure if I have a heart left after everything we've been exposed to and seen, but I also have a deeper understanding of why we need Jesus so very much! I can’t imagine dealing with these issues, and going into this "field of work" with out the hope that Jesus heals, and saves and redeems, I have no idea how people do it. I haven't even started doing anything major yet and I am struggling with hopelessness every day. How can you not when you come face to face with the ugly secrets of the world. So basically what I’m trying to say is that I am so grateful that I don’t have to be the one to heal people because that would be impossible. I am so glad that I don’t have to do anything except whatever baby step God gives me next. I am so glad that no matter how deep it gets or how ugly it is He will always carry the burden, and I can still have joy. That in itself is a miracle, and I hope that anyone who is working in this field will somehow find the joy, hope, and promises that I have found. Thank you Lord that you give us passion for things that are unexpected and so very beautiful, and you stand with us hand leading and guiding step by step through it all!

I give you my life...

What is does it mean to give your life to God? What does it mean to live for God? I have been challenged a lot with these questions. A few years ago there was a shooting here at the Arvada YWAM base, and two people died. Tiffany and Phil. Before the shooting happened the base gathered for a regular worship meeting and they Phil and Tiffany along with other young YWAMers that they would step out and give their lives to the Lord... I don't think that any of them knew what was going to happen a week later, but I think they all know what they were giving God permission to do. They were ready to give it all. I feel like this phrase is thrown around a lot in Christian circles without people even knowing what it means. To give your life for the sake of the gospel…to become a martyr. I remember when I was little hearing about the shooting at columbine high school and how Cassie Burnell stood up and was killed for saying she believed in Jesus. Even at a young age I was inspired and terrified all at the same time. It was amazing to me that someone could believe in and love something so much they were willing to die for it. Then the shootings happened here at YWAM Denver in Arvada and the shooter continued to new life church where Rachel and her sister were killed in the parking lot simply because they were there. There is a very powerful web-a-sode about the shooting in Denver if you go to www.jesusfreaksmovie.com if you want to check it out.  I think about these people and I can’t help but ask myself would I do the same thing, am I willing to truly give my life for the gospel? What would I do if I was put in either of these positions?

     John Murphy went to a conference in LA last weekend where prayer warriors from IHOP and the young disciples from YWAM came together and decided to teach each other. Lauren Cunningham and many other amazing men of the faith were there telling stories about people who have given their all and gone out, knowing they will die, to show people Jesus, to give people hope and a future. 

         There was a group of twelve Korean’s who went to Pakistan to tell people about Jesus. They were captured and immediately one of them was shot and killed. The men who killed them told them that the next day they would be back and they were going to kill another and then let them go. That night the surviving eleven people argued, but not what we would initially think about. They were arguing about which one of them would get to die for his Jesus. They finally agreed to let this young guy do it. The next day he stood up and was shot six times and killed. What would make a person willing to lay down his life like that?!? Another story was about a group of young missionaries who literally packed their stuff in wooden coffins before they left because they knew that they were going to die…but they went anyways. Two young guys who literally sold themselves into slavery to reach out to slaves trapped in bondage. People who run into cholera and TB quarantined cities to help the sick, people who move into war zones hearing bombes go off every day, a woman who runs an orphanage in Sudan who literally gets raped by the soldiers every week, but refuses to leave because of the children. People who risk their lives traveling underground to distribute bibles they translated to the Taliban and into North Korea. There are so many stories of radical people doing radical things, truly giving their LIVES, their safety, there comfort, getting tortured and murdered to tell people about the Jesus they have met.  I don’t know about you but this challenges me to the max.  In my heart I crave adventure, for purpose, to be a part of something bigger then myself, to make an impact in this world in my generation, but how far am I willing to go with that? How much am I willing to sacrifice for the Jesus who gave his life for me, and restored my joy? In no way is this meant to be condemning. I firmly believe that God’s love for us never changes, no matter what we do or do not do. This is not a question of earning God’s love or feeling guilty, it is a question of love on our part. How much do we love him back, how far are we willing to go for him, for others? With this we also have to ask ourselves would I live for Jesus. Would I give my life in the sense of where I live, where I work, who I marry. I think that is a huge part of it to.  What if God didn’t ask me to give my physical life for him, what if he calls me to a place that I’m scared of? To initiate a friendship that would be so difficult? To work in a place that seems hopeless, and lifeless. What if he calls me to move back to Gunnison and work in McDonalds for the rest of my life, would I go? There is nothing wrong with McDonalds or Gunnison, but it would be a sacrifice for me to live that life. Am I willing? Just a thought...

There is hope!!

Steve Goode- Mercy Ministry

  Man this week was so inspiring and full of hope which is so refreshing! I read a quote in a book called The Sacred Romance that said “A person losing hope is the equivalent of the human heart stopping pumping blood”! How profound, and so true! When I lose hope in something my immediate response to it is to just numb it out. Numb out what I can’t change because that’s better than feeling helpless, or hopeless. When we continually numb things out my spirit and voice inside of me are silenced and slowly start to shrivel up a dye like a baby’s umbilical chord after its cut. Sometimes in the midst of pain and great suffering all we have left to cling to is hope. I had been losing hope these last few weeks, and how could I not when we are surrounded by death, rape, starvation, slavery, poverty, brokenness, and despair. When our problems and the problems of the world are so freaking big that they block out the light and all we see is darkness. How do we find hope?? How do we not just hide in the fetal position under out beds and shudder and cry until it all goes away? This is what I had been asking God and this is the answer I got. God is bigger than…that’s it; God is bigger than…He is bigger than anything we will ever face in this world. God is bigger then_____. What is in your blank? For me it was the things we have come face to face with in this school. God is bigger than poverty, God is bigger than broken families, God is bigger than human trafficking, God is bigger than starving children…I could go on and on. There is so much pain in this world, yes, but we have God on our side, and you know what? We win…that’s it, we win. So what is the hopelessness you are feeling right now in your life situations, what is it caused by? Isn’t God bigger than the world? Didn’t he tell us not to fear because he has overcome the world? The lie that there is no hope has been exposed and may God bless us with the foolishness to know we can impact this world, this generation, and this country just by following in his footsteps. We are children of the living God who has a passion for justice and a passion for the broken hearted, the hurting, and helpless. We are living in an incredible day and age because people are starting to fight, to speak out for those who have no voice. We can join with them! We need to unite on all these issue and work together to abolish injustice.

      Maybe this idea is super naive and yes it is a giant of an issue all around the world, but God uses the foolish to confound the wise, and like I said earlier may God bless us with the foolishness to know we can bring an end to this issue. If your dreams don’t scare you they are not big enough… so I would like you to ask yourself what is in your hand? David had a slingshot and some stones to defeat his giant. What gifts, talents, passions do you have that you can give back to God and say “okay this is what I have Papa, use me”.  Writing, art, speaking, dancing, teaching, crocheting, knitting, driving, laughing, or music it can all be used to help. Never underestimate the power of a willing heart… We can and will be the change.

What is Justice??

Our next speaker was Charles Cobb and man did he shake things up. His topic was justice and everyone in my school was challenged. We are in a school of social justice, and yet I know less about what justice truly is then I did when I started this school.  Here we go…

         What is Justice? No really what is justice…the world has twisted and distorted justice so much in my brain that I thought true justice was the same as revenge. Is that what you think? From what I’ve seen in the word I believe that true justice in God’s eyes would look like every person being reconciled to him. That they would be set free from their shame and guilt, and experience an incredibly exciting and fulfilling life with him. Looking at the world now I see a lot of death and pain and…injustice. That is why I’m at this school, to help the orphan and the widow, to love on the poor and bring God’s hope! My hearts cry is to bring justice to the injustices of this world, why? Because God’s heart is ripping apart every second of every day because his  children are starving, thirsty, dying, being raped, being murdered and so much more, and he has asked me to do something about it. We point the finger at God and say “If you love us so much why are you letting this happen!” and he is looking back into our eyes saying gently “why have You (humans) let this happen?” wow. That’s not to condemn us or to heap guilt on our heads, if you feel that then get rid of it because God is not a God of guilt shame or condemnation. He convicts not condemns.  I could talk about that for years, but the point of this entry is justice.

       Okay so we are called to bring justice, we are called to go. This is my dilemma I hope you can follow my mind vomit. In my brain I have never been truly “justified” for the sin that I chose to walk in. If I were to actually pay the consequence for my sins I would be in hell right now. I’m not talking about consequences, because we all have experienced consequences, we know what cause and affect are. I’m talking about actual payment for the things I’ve done. Because God has given me so much grace and continues to give me grace for all my huge mistakes, I will never have to pay the full consequences for my sins. Jesus did that for me. I truly believe that this is God’s justice but it is not justice in the world’s eyes. So continuing on with this idea since (from the world’s perspective) we have never been justified how do we know how to bring justice to anyone? How can we say “hey your mistakes and sins are greater than mine and you have to be punished to the fullest” when we ourselves have never paid to the fullest? How do we enforce justice and still incorporate God’s grace? Can we do that, is it even possible? Is that even a part of our role as followers of Christ?

      How can we walk out or even talk about something we don’t understand or know how to walk out it? Isn’t that what “Christians” have been doing lately, and isn’t that the very thing that people HATE about Christianity. Hypocrisy?  Do you remember who Jesus was always picking on and calling out…the religious people the Pharisees who were preaching but not walking out? Are we only supposed to help people bring reconciliation in their lives because we ourselves have been reconciled?  Don’t get me wrong I do believe we, as a society, need laws in place and we do need to enforce them to protect people. I do believe that people need to be held accountable and punished for the crimes they have committed; otherwise we are not loving them. Love is a verb not a noun. However this is a huge gray area to me now and I don’t know where the truth is! If you look at God and how he judged people in the Bible he is completely inconsistent. Some people he strikes with a lightning bolt and some he lets off the hook. So how are we supposed to build any kind of system based on how God judges when we have no idea how he does it? Can we!? Only God knows someone’s heart and only God know what punishment will suffice for every individual. Obviously our prison systems aren’t working because most people who go end up returning. Is that because the same punishment is not effective for every individual? I think so…so what do we do? I have no idea…these are all questions that a simple question Mr. Cobb asked us inspired. What is justice? I am in the process of asking God what it is right what is truth and what I can do right now and I challenge you to ask him as well. As disciples of Jesus we need to know what justice is and how to practically live it out. Is it something that we will ever understand? Is it something that we are called to seek out? Or is reconciliation what we as “little Christ’s” supposed to seek out. I do believ that reconciliation is a beautiful and pretty painful part of justice. How is a practical way we walk that out? I don’t know yet but I know that God will show us the answers we need. He’s pretty awesome like that.  It is amazing what one little question can do. My whole foundation is being shaken and it’s awesome because God is rebuilding it on his truth which is a rock that I can stand on!

Chosen to be Set Apart!

        Man how could it be the beginning of the fifth week already! God has been showing me so much incredible stuff, and I am so broken and amazing I don't even know what to do with myself. I am super behind in updates so I'll just go a week at a time. Our first week was just introduction to YWAM Denver and getting to know everyone. It was fun but we were all ready and excited to get started! the second week was world view with Doug Toller; 

     This week was sooo good but definitely an information overload.  Mr Toller took us through the top four most prevalent worldviews in society today which are biblical Christianity, secular humanism, new age, and liberal theology. It was fascinating to see how people form their ideas and opinions, and essentially the way they live their lives in their worldview. It is so true that we all follow something even if we don’t want to. I feel like I have such a better grasp on why people coming from anew age point of view vote, and believe the things they do and I also was challenged with areas of my own worldview has swayed to another category because of the atmosphere and people I had been around. I had to get myself back on track with what the bible says.
       I also feel like I have a better grasp on what a biblical worldview looks like, because there are’nt a lot of good examples today. I was also challenged with this quote “if you don’t stand for something, then you’ll fall for everything”. It is so hard to say there is a black and white answer on issues today like abortion for example. It is so contriversal and we all as individuals need to decide what we think and why we think it. I had to go to God because my own mind and heart were getting in the way. We can’t sway what we believe to fit in with what people say is politically correct, because in reality Jesus was not politically correct, and he was murdered for it. Did he call us to live lives of compromise; trying to fit in with people and be liked by everyone…I don’t think so. He told us to not “conform to this world” to be in the world but not of it. No it is not easy and honestly it really sucks sometimes, but we were not redeemed and put on a pedestal to blend in with everyone…we were called to be “set apart” and to bring light into the darkness. We can only do this with Jesus holding our hand and guiding our steps. He will never leave us or forsake us. Life may not be easy, or painless, but when, not if, when we get knocked down, when we are rejected, when life kickes us in the face with spiked boots we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will always be there to bandage us up, accept us into his arms and fill the longing that every person feels in their heart with his agape love! 
     Jesus is amazing! I also officially decided to go to Brazil! I was originally thinking about going to another school through YWAM but both of them were canceled...so I was trying to decide to  either going to do an internship in India or Brazil and I decided to just take a leap of faith and go to Brazil! I had exactly enough money for the first payment, and I am more and more sure every day that I made the right decision! We will be in Northern Brazil in Manaus working with an orphanage ran by the YWAM base there! We also have an opportunity to go on a 10 day boat trip up the Amazon river to reach out to some remote tribes! Our leaders are still praying about that because it will  be a little more money,  but hopefully we will know soon! I have another payment of 1500 coming up soon, so please keep me in your prayers! Thank you for reading my word vomit...until next time!

Last Two Years...

What compels a human being...what were we created to be compelled by? Love, loss, the future, our pasts, dreams, people around us, our hearts? I was asking myself this question exactly a year ago after intently examining my life, or the remnants of it... A girl, a college student, a waitress at the local Applebee’s drifting through life, merely existing nothing more. I wasn't satisfied, not by a long shot and that is when the life altering, terribly amazing words came to my mind. What if...what if this isn't the path I was supposed to choose...what if I'm not supposed just blindly accept the ordinary life, the "norm" for society today? What if there's more to life, what if there is something else out there...Sure there was nothing wrong the way I was living but I knew in my heart that there was and is so much more out there then the American way. Graduate from high school, college, marriage, and 2.5 kids…ect ect. Those are all incredible things don’t get me wrong, but who said that that is the way we HAVE to do life? Who determined the exact same path is the right direction for every person?  The human race is so diverse and completely different from one another so why is our culture stripping away our uniqueness and merging us all into one big blob?

Anyways I could write about this all day but to make a very long story short I dropped out of college a week before classes started, sold everything I could, packed my bags and got on a plane to North Carolina to join a missions organization called YWAM, Youth With a Mission, with all the money I had, and a stomach full of butterflies. I had no idea what I had signed up for, and it was the best decision of my life! YWAM is a Christian organization that trains people and sends them out to make a difference in the world. They are the largest mission’s organization in the world with thousands of bases all over the place! Their focus is to know God and make him known, which is a never ending process. The entry level school is called a discipleship training school which basically teaches what being a true Christian looks like, a real life, living, thriving relationship with God! Living by grace, and walking in the power of the Holy Spirit! It is an incredible thing, and I have never felt such joy or fulfillment in my life! We went for India after three months of training, and the things I saw and experienced have ruined me for life. Now I am in Denver Colorado doing another YWAM school called School of Social Justice. No it is not socialism…it is a school focused on learning about injustice in the world and them putting action to our passion! We will be learning about many issues like human trafficking, gender based prejudice, children soldiers, poverty, and many more. Our school is going to Brazil in December for outreach where we will be working with an orphanage and possibly going up the Amazon river to do some tribal ministry! I am still unsure if I will be going as well, but hopefully I will know soon! So this is a shortened version of the last two years of my life, thank you so much for joining me in my adventures with Jesus!

Disclaimer!! I have terrible grammar and spelling, and am not much of a writer so please bear with me. :)