Catch Up....

I have officially been here in San Francisco for 8 months! Its been a few years since I have updated my blog ...I think maybe its time! 

This past month was defiantly a month of breakthroughs for me! I feel like I just sat back and watch Jesus break down walls, and fight all the while asking me to just be still…to trust and watch him work.  How amazing our Jesus is! How many times have I gone into something with the desire to bless and serve other, but in the process I am the one that learns and is blessed! This is very much what has happened with SF. 

I came here hesitantly, and very nervous, painfully aware of my own shortcomings and insecurities. I had tried to come and join staff with Because Justice Matters for three years, always feeling confident that I was strong enough to live in the Tenderloin, and participate in ministry, but the doors were always closed to me.  Then the Lord called me home for a year and it was extremely difficult for me. I had just come home from Vietnam and Cambodia, and an incredible 9 month long Bible school though University of the Nations, and then I was home. I felt like I was in the wilderness… alone. 

During that year the reality of how broken, fearful, and foolish I was overwhelmed me. All the hurts from my past, that I hadn’t dealt with, surfaced causing me to feel as if I was drowning. It was then that the Lord gently whispered to me “now you are ready”. 

What the Heck God! 

I’ll be honest I didn’t even know if I liked God anymore, let alone if I wanted to go and work with a ministry that was focused on his Justice. How could I go and help other people walk through healing when I was in the middle of brokenness?  How could I point people to Jesus when I was struggling with my own faith that he is good?

So I fought the Lord; bringing him my lists of my struggles, sins, and  insecurities and fears. Trying to remind him what kind of person I was, as if he didn’t see, or had forgotten me. The truth is, I thought he had. Corinthians 12:9- “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”…so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

Praise the Lord that he is so much bigger then our pride, our pasts, or brokenness. His grace is unchanging, and he is our anchor, or hope in the middle of every storm that life brings our way. So after some major confirmations that could only come from his perfect orchestrating, and some major heart change I decided to follow his call. After that I was so humbled to see how he provided for me, not just financially but in the community he placed me in in Gunnison. My family, friends, and church family came together to support me financially and prayerfully, and I set off, not alone, but with the Body of Christ behind me! 

Man it rocks my world to look back at everything the Lord did for me, through the people in my life, through YOU who I am writing to right now. I could not be here without your support, without all your encouraging words that helped me through that year in the wilderness. So from the bottom of my heart “Thank You so very much!”

I know find myself living and being sharpened in a community of people passionate about Jesus and excited about what he is doing in this city at the YWAM base! I am amazed every day at the women that Jesus has brought together in BJM  to fight for Justice and most importantly to love the women and children in our community. I have been a part of pioneering an incredible ministry in the Tenderloin to the youth and their families. Learning to love them well and partner with them in raiding their families in a very difficult city, and a very challenging neighborhood. Our girls are growing in their knowledge and understanding of a God who is passionate about them and is so delighted in them! To learn about self esteem and their identity in Jesus, and to be equipped to break the chains of abuse and addiction in this community. We are training World Changers and it is incredible to be a part of that! This is only the beginning of the revival God is starting here in the bay area! It is so much bigger then me, and Because justice Matters, and YWAM, and the other ministries in the TL, and I can’t wait to see it come into fruition!

      I have been learning allot about how to do ministry well, something I’m sure I will be learning to do the rest of my life. I feel like I am seeing Jesus in a way that I haven’t before, or at least in a very long time. So many walls have been torn down I was allowing to be there because of un-forgiveness and doubt, towards the Lord. I perceived that he had failed me so many times, in protecting me. I could look back and see times I thought he had abandoned me, and it hurt so badly. But he didn’t leave me, he didn’t fail to protect me, he always was, is now, and will always be with me no matter what life throws at me. I still have some pretty big questions, and allot to learn and to wrestle through with him. I will most definitely mess it up, and have doubts. I may change, but God never will and he is choosing to use this imperfect ministry to reach out to the lost treasures he is so  in love with, and I am so humbled and amazed at his grace, and his perfect unchanging love in that! Praise God! I want to be transparent with where I’ve been, am now and will be! I am 24 now, and I am super stoked to see what this next year of life will bring!

Brazil!

      I'm starting to come out of hiding, a little culture shocked but enjoying the snow and seeing my family! Brazil was an incredible trip with some friends that I learned so much from and who will forever be a part of my life!  I just wanted to write a little about what we did and the things that I experienced. I first of all feel like this trip was a time of awakening and refreshing of my heart after the lecture phase of SSJ. It was a very difficult school emotionally and after we graduated I felt just broken and helpless, but Brazil completely inspired me for the future! We were about an hour outside of the city of Manaus right on the Amazon River, which was so surreal! We stayed on an YWAM base whose ministries where an orphanage they opened up down the street, or boat ministry on the Amazon River. We were so blessed to get “a taste” of both! We were able to go on a 10 day boat trip up the Amazon to work with the “River People”. This was one of the most amazing experienced I’ve ever had! We slept in hammocks on the boat and got to do all sorts of crazy things like what we see on the discovery channelJ. Like swimming with pink dolphins, alligator hunting, spear fishing, swimming with piranhas every day (unknowingly at first), seeing crazy animals like snakes, sloths and an ant eater! So many crazy adventures!! It was beautiful with the green jungle, white sandy beaches and coke colored water. We first helped a pastor who had been praying for two years that missionary’s would visit him and his village! We got to be the answer to his prayer!! We helped him build his church which was really hard work. No tractors or power tools there. We carried sand from the beach up a hill for the foundation, cleared out the jungle brush with machetes, and dug a foundation from the dirt about5 ft down…it was hard but such a privilege to help them get started!! We got to know most of the people in the area because they had a church service every night! Their lifestyle is drastically different then how they live in the city!! It was so amazing, and I am so glad we got to go!

     The orphanage definitely captured my heart! There are 25 kids various ages, and they are all so precious and beautiful!! YWAM works with the government as far as child placement but other than that all the workers are YWAM staff or volunteers. One thing that surprised me was how much they had as far as toys and food. However they had a limited amount of staff so the kids didn’t have allot of one on one time with adults. They all collectively raise each other. So that’s where we came in. We got to spend two months every day hanging out with them playing games, holding them and simply investing in them! None of us could speak Portuguese so that was a challenge but we discovered that you don’t need language to communicate with kids! A hug or just spending time with them on a consistent basis goes allot farther than words. We also would pitch in with chores or sorting out the donations they received, which were numerous. Thos kids taught me so much about love, and what it truly looks like. All of them had come out of abusive situations most of us couldn’t even fathom. Because of this some of the girls had mental handicaps and when you looked into their eyes there was a maturity and an understanding that someone their age shouldn’t’ have. Some of them wouldn’t let us into their lives at first because they have had so many people leave them, or reject them. It was a privilege and such an honor when they started warming up to us and letting us share their lives with them!! It was really hard to leave I left a piece of my heart with them. It wasn’t just another mission trip for me, we went and did live with these people and they will always be written on my heart. After this school God has really broken my heart for abused women and children, and being in Brazil awakened my heart to see what working in that area practically looks like, and I’m hooked!! I don’t know if I will get a chance to go back and visit all those beautiful people but I know that God has called me to missions and there’s no going back now! So here I am in Gunnison trying to figure out the next step. I am ready to settle down for a bit, whatever that means... I’m praying about a couple different things which is exciting! Maybe school or internships…for now though I am here in Gunni!

The Dilemmas of Injustice...

      These past two weeks have been a crazy whirlwind of adventures and fun. Thanksgiving week we had the privilege of Stephen Bauman, the president of Relief International, come and speak at our school. We only had him for three days because of turkey day so we doubled up on class time Monday-Wednesday. It was amazing to see how humble this man was after all that he has accomplished and the place he’s at now. He spoke about urbanization and community development and how important it is to learn how to help people not enable them in their poverty. It sounds so simple but it is so difficult to know how to really help someone. My mind was blown by how something that seems great could actually devastate and make the problem worse, like putting a Band-Aid over it instead of getting to the root of the infection and scraping it out, so to speak. For example say there was a village in Africa that was starving, our first reaction is to send food, or send money. This would be the Band-Aid. If we sent trucks of food over it would be great, but it would also put the widow with three children who sells fruit out of business, in turn forcing her to take handouts. Did you know that Africa is one of the wealthiest countries as far as natural resources go, but they are not equipped to use them? I had no idea because Africa is usually used in the commercials for feed the children, or World Vision. I just assumed that they had no option but starvation and poverty, but they do. Another example is going to Mexico to build houses for families. Great idea right? Maybe not, if we go and build a house for a family it could imply to the husband that he is incapable of providing for his family, and result in him leaving. That seems extreme but it could happen. So maybe instead of building the house ourselves, we need to include the family, and have them contribute as well. This would also give the family a sense of ownership instead of just taking handouts. Yet again a problem that is more complicate then it seems. Community development would be sending workers over, not to do the job for them, but to teach and show the people how to use the resources themselves so they can become self sufficient. This applies to all areas of communities, water and sanitation, food, shelter, health care, AIDS, you name it. It blows my mind how long I have been thinking with the mindset of a Band-Aid instead of helping to have no more wounds. I am not at all saying that building houses, or sending food or money is bad. I think it’s awesome, but we do need to be conscious of how we are “helping” so we’re not making a bigger problem than is already there.  This week went along really well with what Troy Sherman was teaching us. There are so many issues in this world that aren't problems or issues they are dilemmas. Like abortion, gay marriage,immigration and so much more. Allot of political stuff that is so controversial, especially in the church community. I've been struggling with how to vote and how to choose where I stand on the really hard issues like these? How do I love people the way Jesus did and still not condone things that will hurt our society or people?? For example the Bible says that murder is wrong, black and white, however if we vote to make abortion illegal then there will be more children who will grow up in fatherless homes which ,statistics prove, increases the crime rate creating more people who get stuck in our the messed up prison system or will contribute to injustice. On the flip side if we vote to legalize abortion will people understand the gravity of the decision they are making, are we promoting murder in our society, how many hurting women will be out there with no help, and what if we condone the killing of the next generation, will there be anyone left? I am not saying abortion is okay, what I am saying is that instead of saying something is wrong or right we need to train our minds to think about the dilemma as a whole, and what all the ramifications would result with the decision. In my opinion anything issue that can be answered with a simply black and white answer is foolishness and naivety. Hopefully that came across the way I wanted it to. I do think that we need to have opinions and know what we stand for and why, but we HAVE to be very careful and make sure we are thinking about every angle of the issue.

         This school has opened my eyes so much to see what the problems out there really look like, and how I need to prepare myself if I want to work in areas of injustice. I naively thought that all these problems could be fixed in a simply way, but what I’m discovering is that if I want to make a difference, and truly help people  it is going to take a lot of time, and I will have to sacrifice a lot. After the things I’ve learned about and seen it seems impossible to go back to the life I was living before, so it looks like I’m going to dive in head first and pray that God will give me the wisdom and strength to do what I need to do. Whether that is going back to school, moving to a different country, doing an internship, or continuing on with YWAM I have no idea, but I know that if I rely on Jesus to guide my steps I can, we all can make a difference. It may not be pretty, and it will probably be painful but we will NEVER be alone if we trust and rely in him. He is the rock we stand on when everything around us is sinking, and he will never leave us or forsake us no matter what we face!

Babysteps

     "Lord will you break my heart for what breaks yours?" I don’t know if you have ever prayed this prayer before but it is both a foolish and beautiful thing...because he will break you.  Usually over something you had never thought of, or even known about before. I have prayed this prayer before and it is the reason that I am where I am today. I was thirteen years old and God broke my heart for people who were hurting, so I decided I would go out and help them. Hence nursing school...but I had no idea what path God had in store for me seven years down the road when I went to India. I have experienced brokenness in many different ways, but I had never physically felt pain like I did when I came face to face with real women with real hearts who had been prostituting themselves to feed their family. Talk about ouch. It was both incredible and heart wrenching to meet women my age that had been living a lifestyle of worthlessness and helplessness. It sure makes the pain in my life look like allot easier. I will never forget those faces, or what I felt because it was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

          So here I am at this school, school of social justice, learning about how much more pain and brokenness is actually in this world and how deep and deadly it goes. Lemme just tell you I had no idea how scary it is.  I am not sure if I have a heart left after everything we've been exposed to and seen, but I also have a deeper understanding of why we need Jesus so very much! I can’t imagine dealing with these issues, and going into this "field of work" with out the hope that Jesus heals, and saves and redeems, I have no idea how people do it. I haven't even started doing anything major yet and I am struggling with hopelessness every day. How can you not when you come face to face with the ugly secrets of the world. So basically what I’m trying to say is that I am so grateful that I don’t have to be the one to heal people because that would be impossible. I am so glad that I don’t have to do anything except whatever baby step God gives me next. I am so glad that no matter how deep it gets or how ugly it is He will always carry the burden, and I can still have joy. That in itself is a miracle, and I hope that anyone who is working in this field will somehow find the joy, hope, and promises that I have found. Thank you Lord that you give us passion for things that are unexpected and so very beautiful, and you stand with us hand leading and guiding step by step through it all!

I give you my life...

What is does it mean to give your life to God? What does it mean to live for God? I have been challenged a lot with these questions. A few years ago there was a shooting here at the Arvada YWAM base, and two people died. Tiffany and Phil. Before the shooting happened the base gathered for a regular worship meeting and they Phil and Tiffany along with other young YWAMers that they would step out and give their lives to the Lord... I don't think that any of them knew what was going to happen a week later, but I think they all know what they were giving God permission to do. They were ready to give it all. I feel like this phrase is thrown around a lot in Christian circles without people even knowing what it means. To give your life for the sake of the gospel…to become a martyr. I remember when I was little hearing about the shooting at columbine high school and how Cassie Burnell stood up and was killed for saying she believed in Jesus. Even at a young age I was inspired and terrified all at the same time. It was amazing to me that someone could believe in and love something so much they were willing to die for it. Then the shootings happened here at YWAM Denver in Arvada and the shooter continued to new life church where Rachel and her sister were killed in the parking lot simply because they were there. There is a very powerful web-a-sode about the shooting in Denver if you go to www.jesusfreaksmovie.com if you want to check it out.  I think about these people and I can’t help but ask myself would I do the same thing, am I willing to truly give my life for the gospel? What would I do if I was put in either of these positions?

     John Murphy went to a conference in LA last weekend where prayer warriors from IHOP and the young disciples from YWAM came together and decided to teach each other. Lauren Cunningham and many other amazing men of the faith were there telling stories about people who have given their all and gone out, knowing they will die, to show people Jesus, to give people hope and a future. 

         There was a group of twelve Korean’s who went to Pakistan to tell people about Jesus. They were captured and immediately one of them was shot and killed. The men who killed them told them that the next day they would be back and they were going to kill another and then let them go. That night the surviving eleven people argued, but not what we would initially think about. They were arguing about which one of them would get to die for his Jesus. They finally agreed to let this young guy do it. The next day he stood up and was shot six times and killed. What would make a person willing to lay down his life like that?!? Another story was about a group of young missionaries who literally packed their stuff in wooden coffins before they left because they knew that they were going to die…but they went anyways. Two young guys who literally sold themselves into slavery to reach out to slaves trapped in bondage. People who run into cholera and TB quarantined cities to help the sick, people who move into war zones hearing bombes go off every day, a woman who runs an orphanage in Sudan who literally gets raped by the soldiers every week, but refuses to leave because of the children. People who risk their lives traveling underground to distribute bibles they translated to the Taliban and into North Korea. There are so many stories of radical people doing radical things, truly giving their LIVES, their safety, there comfort, getting tortured and murdered to tell people about the Jesus they have met.  I don’t know about you but this challenges me to the max.  In my heart I crave adventure, for purpose, to be a part of something bigger then myself, to make an impact in this world in my generation, but how far am I willing to go with that? How much am I willing to sacrifice for the Jesus who gave his life for me, and restored my joy? In no way is this meant to be condemning. I firmly believe that God’s love for us never changes, no matter what we do or do not do. This is not a question of earning God’s love or feeling guilty, it is a question of love on our part. How much do we love him back, how far are we willing to go for him, for others? With this we also have to ask ourselves would I live for Jesus. Would I give my life in the sense of where I live, where I work, who I marry. I think that is a huge part of it to.  What if God didn’t ask me to give my physical life for him, what if he calls me to a place that I’m scared of? To initiate a friendship that would be so difficult? To work in a place that seems hopeless, and lifeless. What if he calls me to move back to Gunnison and work in McDonalds for the rest of my life, would I go? There is nothing wrong with McDonalds or Gunnison, but it would be a sacrifice for me to live that life. Am I willing? Just a thought...

There is hope!!

Steve Goode- Mercy Ministry

  Man this week was so inspiring and full of hope which is so refreshing! I read a quote in a book called The Sacred Romance that said “A person losing hope is the equivalent of the human heart stopping pumping blood”! How profound, and so true! When I lose hope in something my immediate response to it is to just numb it out. Numb out what I can’t change because that’s better than feeling helpless, or hopeless. When we continually numb things out my spirit and voice inside of me are silenced and slowly start to shrivel up a dye like a baby’s umbilical chord after its cut. Sometimes in the midst of pain and great suffering all we have left to cling to is hope. I had been losing hope these last few weeks, and how could I not when we are surrounded by death, rape, starvation, slavery, poverty, brokenness, and despair. When our problems and the problems of the world are so freaking big that they block out the light and all we see is darkness. How do we find hope?? How do we not just hide in the fetal position under out beds and shudder and cry until it all goes away? This is what I had been asking God and this is the answer I got. God is bigger than…that’s it; God is bigger than…He is bigger than anything we will ever face in this world. God is bigger then_____. What is in your blank? For me it was the things we have come face to face with in this school. God is bigger than poverty, God is bigger than broken families, God is bigger than human trafficking, God is bigger than starving children…I could go on and on. There is so much pain in this world, yes, but we have God on our side, and you know what? We win…that’s it, we win. So what is the hopelessness you are feeling right now in your life situations, what is it caused by? Isn’t God bigger than the world? Didn’t he tell us not to fear because he has overcome the world? The lie that there is no hope has been exposed and may God bless us with the foolishness to know we can impact this world, this generation, and this country just by following in his footsteps. We are children of the living God who has a passion for justice and a passion for the broken hearted, the hurting, and helpless. We are living in an incredible day and age because people are starting to fight, to speak out for those who have no voice. We can join with them! We need to unite on all these issue and work together to abolish injustice.

      Maybe this idea is super naive and yes it is a giant of an issue all around the world, but God uses the foolish to confound the wise, and like I said earlier may God bless us with the foolishness to know we can bring an end to this issue. If your dreams don’t scare you they are not big enough… so I would like you to ask yourself what is in your hand? David had a slingshot and some stones to defeat his giant. What gifts, talents, passions do you have that you can give back to God and say “okay this is what I have Papa, use me”.  Writing, art, speaking, dancing, teaching, crocheting, knitting, driving, laughing, or music it can all be used to help. Never underestimate the power of a willing heart… We can and will be the change.